Did I really need to buy a Nokia 8260? No. Was there something wrong with my Nokia 5165? No. Do I enjoy spending money for no practical reason? Of course.

Needless to say, my purchase has made my life complete. As soon as I walked out of the Cingular store, a huge rainbow filled the sky, and doves flew beautifully above. People walked hand in hand, racist white men kissed little black babies. Purchasing the 8260 changed people's lives. My buying habits have that great effect on humanity.

I also had the pleasure of obtaining a liquor license and an Oklahoma driver's license. Who knew that liquor licenses could be obtained online? How simple life can be. As for the Oklahoma driver's license, I like my picture. I just hated waiting for two hours among the fine white trash of Edmond, Okla. I have zero tolerance for children, especially children who speak.

I decided to call Marci on my new cell. That said, I can say with great certainty that the girl means nothing to me. She's a bit too scatter-brained and far too self-centered (I know, I know...pot, kettle, black) for my taste. I left a "have a nice life" message on her voice mail. I doubt I'll hear anything back. I don't think I care.

I had a dream last night about a lower school program I did in third grade. In the program, the boys dressed like cheerleaders and the girls dressed like football players. In the dream, I was 22, but everyone else was 3rd-grade age. I felt giddy about dressing up like a cheerleader, and I kept telling everyone, "They're going to show this clip at our high school graduation assembly." Then Preston, a kid who eventually left Heritage Hall, told me, "But you'll be dead by graduation." Ahhh, the years that shape one's life.

Tomorrow I have to greet tables and take orders at Red Rock. I'm kind of petrified. I've aced all the written tests so far, but I don't want to interact with people just yet. Granted, I need the tip money badly, but when I think about serving other people, it just feels...foreign, strange and gross.

I've read some random blogs lately out of boredom. My God, some of you gents have no idea how to be tastefully narcissistic. You shouldn't have to say, "I'm shallow," "I know I'm good looking," or "I'm smarter than everyone." Let your actions (or the perusal of your day's activities) speak for your self-love. There is a difference between a true narcissist and someone who just thinks it's a neat word to toss around. That said, I'm shallow, I know I'm good looking, and I'm smarter than everyone.