Wanna hear a long story? Tonight at work, the power went out before the shift. When the lights came back on, the dimmer didn't work, so the lights were very bright. The setting is supposed to be romantic, so a few of the guests were upset. One lady, trying to evade her ripe old age of 50-something, complained that the lighting revealed "too much" of her makeup. I smiled politely. If this woman were a mind reader, she would have read/heard "You stupid white trash bitch. The guy across from you doesn't care about your makeup. He cares about your prosthetically enhanced and well-baked cleavage and your easy, celestial orophous. Not to mention I could be Helen Keller and I'd still see your Covergirl cake face."

But I guess she didn't catch that from my smile. When she went to the restroom, I chatted up her date (read: plea for higher tip). It turns out he and I work out at the same gym. He gave me tips for hitting on women while lifting weights. As it was, he was a nice enough fella. I felt bad that his sexual prospect spent more time in a tanning bed than, say, reading or watching the news. Anyway, she demanded the he let her pay for dinner (read: smaller tip. Sorry, ladies, but it's statistically true: you tip less than men). When they left, she accidentally took the signed credit card receipt with her. The one I have to have to authorize her credit card. The one that says how much my tip is (18%). The one that says "You fucking moron. Why would you take the signed copy?" I chased her to the parking lot. She complained, then realized that she was 1) wrong and 2) stupid.

Here's the kicker. Loooong after she left, I got off work. As is habit, I went to Bahama Breeze with my fellow employees to eat, drink, and bitch about nothing. In walks little miss 50-year-old with a different man, and she sits right next to me at the bar. What follows needs to be introduced with the caveat that, no, I am not making this up. She sat down, smiled at me, and placed her hand on my knee for the duration of her time at Bahama Breeze. Let's just say that the only thing stiffening was the undigested food in my esophagus.