I can't say I've ever felt as restless as I do tonight. Nothing seems to be headed in the right direction. The reality of my slim chances in Hollywood depresses me yet doesn't decrease my desire to go. I'm starting the look at the big picture. I'm not satisfied with who I am, where I am, or what I'm doing.

Tonight was very interesting night. On the good side, I hung out with Danny, who's been studying abroad at Oxford all summer. I don't have many guy friends, and Danny (football star, frat boy, super Christian) doesn't fit the usual description of people I hang out with. And yet our differences make our friendship the least complex and most honest of all my friendships (which is not to say I don't enjoy complex relationships). Danny and I don't see each other often or keep in touch constantly, but I always know I can tell him exactly how I'm feeling. Tonight's topic: girls. The trigger for that topic was the ultimate low of this week, if not the entire summer.

In a moment of intense weakness and hopefulness, I...called Marci. And she answered. And for one brief second, she made me believe that she missed me. "Oh my GOD, it is SO GOOD to hear your voice!" she said (those were her exact words. I keep replaying them in my head). She's coming home from Colorado in four days, and she'll be here until the end of September. That means I have to spend an entire month knowing we're in the same city, and that she'll be just as distant and cold as she was when we were apart.

I know some of you can relate to this feeling. Nothing particularly bad is going on, but I'm just not content. I'm not even searching for something, but I want a change. Ever since college I felt like I've been pantomiming life. I drift along assuming one personality or mindset until the next one causes me to do another unexpected 180. I'd just like, for once, to say, "This is who I am. And I like it."