Here's a tip: You're a trashy bitch

Five minutes before the kitchen closed last night, a group of inept, trashy drunken women sat at my table on the patio. Only three of them were eating. The others paid for their drinks at the bar.

Now before I continue, the miraculous thing about busy Thursday nights is that we get in less trouble for being rude to guests than usual. Normally, after glaring at a table or saying something sarcastic, my manager would sit me down and go over etiquette, tact, and ass-kissing. On Thursdays (i.e. singles night), he's too busy to know whether I've given great service or excreted all over a table. So, brace yourself for the wit and wisdom that follows.

At midnight, these bitches were ready to tab out (probably because not even the horniest, drunken slob at the bar would give the cheap sluts the time of day). One of them paid with cash and left a decent tip. Another paid for her $4.98 tab with a $5 and told me to keep the change. And the last one gave me $25 for her $22.78 tab. Not being one to pass up the opportunity to humiliate people, I walked 10 feet, counted my tips, and abruptly turned around. I interrupted their conversation and said in a rather loud voice, "Here's your two cents back." I also gave the other lady her $2.22 change. The lady who left a decent tip shot them both a rude look and asked incredulously, "You gave him two cents? And you gave him less than 10 percent?"

The two cent lady, completely drunk and unaware of my hatred for her, said, "Oh come on, all he brought me was two beers. And besides, I'm broke and I don't really like this place." To which I replied, with unceasing glee and unfathomable contempt, "If you're broke, you probably shouldn't dine out. That's just my two cents."

Thus, today's I-should-be-banned-from-public-dining award goes to all the slutty, loud, ill-mannered, heavy-makeup-wearing bitches who don't know how to tip. May your next Botox injection explode in your face, causing you to drop dead and burn in Hell.