Skeletons in the closet

In an effort to clear out my closets so that the house can be re-carpeted, I've been sorting through the boxes upon boxes of junk that I have amassed since junior high. Thinking I would always remain sentimental, I held on to pictures, notes, folders, books and even formal napkins from dances and awards assemblies. I kept every single piece of correspondence I received from Mizzou before my freshman year, including letters from fraternities. And if any of you weren't fortunate enough to receive one of my high school senior pictures, I still have about 40 wallet-sized left. This excavation has also unearthed some sickening discoveries, which I share with you for the first time.

Big hair, big teeth, bad clothes

Apparently my goal was to look as unattractive as possible from junior high well through my sophomore year of college. Before the concept of physique-flattering clothing entered my mind, I couldn't buy enough extra large shirts for my skinny frame. And I perfected the bowl cut all throughout high school. I looked like I walked off the set of Fifteen. And why, oh why, did I ever grow out my hair in college? Perhaps I thought it would accentuate the hordes of hemp jewelry I was wearing.

Paging Dr. McCown, your patient is dead

I suppose I felt self-massochistic when I saved my high school Biology and Geomtery folders. Those were my worst grades through the entirety of high school. Well-preserved in those folders were every test, quiz and homework assignment I managed to race through each week. One gem from a Biology test: "Potassium is important because it gives people a sense of self-worth and transcendentalism" (Mrs. Spradling gave me no credit for that answer).

I love the class of 1994

Inexplicably placed on my Geometry folder is a picture of the class of 1994.

College Park: Posh address and tourist trap

Lauren and I decided to waste two entire rolls of film on the surroundings of College Park, the formica-laden apartment complex in which I resided during my sophomore year at Mizzou. Highlights include the parking lot, the entryway, and the tennis courts. Oh, and my hemp necklaces.

After this hellish trip through memory lane, I've learned several things. For starters, I am not going to save a damned thing unless it has monetary value. Second, I will buy only small and medium. Three, my hair stays short. And finally...Thoreau must have had a healthy diet of Potassium.