Tipping is not just a city in China

I know I've spelled out the reality of a server's wages before, but allow me to reiterate. Contrary to what you might think (if you're a complete fucking moron), servers earn an average of $2 an hour as a wage. After taxes, a server makes about $1. Therefore, tips are the only substantial form of income for a server.

I went to a family doctor for a routine check up last week. When she learned that I am a server, she said, "Oh, I'm a very good tipper. I always leave at least 10 percent." Stupid fucking bitch. A 10 percent tip is a slap in the face to your server. The new standard in tipping (for those of you who don't clench every penny between the fat cheeks of your ass) is as follows:

0-10 percent
Could mean: Your service was offensively bad.
Usually means: I am either a woman, Christian or redneck trailer trash not worthy of air, and therefore I must give a bad tip regardless of service.

10-15 percent
Could mean: Your service was mediocre and just satisfactory.
Usually means: I was too self-involved and fucking stupid to notice I had a server. I am ignorant to the wage scale of servers.

15-19 percent
Could mean: Your service was good.
Usually means: Thanks. I'm still too cheap/incompetent to leave 20 percent.

20 percent and better
Usually means: Your service was very good/exceptionally great.
Also means: I realize how degrading it can be to wait tables. I noticed that you are a competent server full of brilliant potential and I offer this generous tip as a token of recognition and appreciation.

I know that some people feel that a server's duties are minimal and not worthy of a generous tip. I defy any of those people to juggle the increasingly important demands of three to four tables while contending with beverage service, keeping the tables clean, running hot food and drop-kicking the fucking rugrats who cry and spill shit all over the restaurant. Then and only then would they realize just why a good server deserves a very good/exceptionally great tip.

I've decided in a fit of rage to post the names of people who eat at the restaurant and tip for shit. Our first offender is Irwin J. Steinbloom. Last night, he, his wife, daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren dined in my section. I'm assuming that the implosion of skin around his fat fucking head pummeled his brain so much that he couldn't fathom leaving me an appropriate tip after I cleaned up rugrat vommit not once, but twice. And did I mention the fact that his daughter brought in her own canned Diet Coke? Cheap bitch. But did I continute to give them great service? Did I accommodate their every whim? Yes. So, the first I-should-be-banned-from-public-dining award goes to Irwin Steinbloom of Oklahoma City. I hope you die, asshole.

I can't wait to work tonight!