"I will have poetry in my life...AND ADVENT-CHA!"

I admit to a certain fascination with E!'s Celebrities Uncensored, the show that highlights paparazzi footage of stars saying, "Get that f*cking camera out of my face." What I find more interesting, however, is that the term celebrities is used quite loosely. The daughter of Lionel Richie? Who gives a shit? Of course she warms up to the paparazzi...she has no actual talent or aesthetic to highlight. And although I possess a strong, unyielding lust for Paris Hilton, she reminds me of every spoiled, slutty stupid rich girl I knew in high school.

The untalented aren't the only subjects of the show. I watched in amusement as a very pissed off Vince Vaughn spit in the face of a tourist. And I couldn't help but laugh as Leo DiCaprio kept telling a car-blocking photographer that we was "being very inconsiderate, bro." And then there's Anne Heche. Other than watching the mother ship beam her up, I can't imagine why the paparazzi would follow her.

Speaking of celebrities...I have had two bittersweet dreams in which I was engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow (I will be married with three children and she'll still be the love of my life). In the first dream, her mother was not Blythe Danner, but Oprah Winfrey. And Oprah took a strong liking to me at our first meeting. In the second dream I consoled Gwyneth after she dyed her hair black and I assured her that she was as beautiful as ever. Ahhhhh, to be Chris Martin.