These are a few of my least favorite things

Pet peeves!

- People using the back of your chair in a movie theater as their footrest. I'm sorry if your battle with hyperactivity forbids you from sitting still, but don't use my back as your landing pad every five minutes when you change positions, you spastic troll.
- Condescension. When a restaurant guest first informs me that he/she wants decaf instead of regular, I only need to hear it once. I went to private school. I have a college degree. I am smart enough to know that decaf isn't really decaf. Therefore, I don't need to hear "Now you're sure this is decaf, right?" when I bring out the fucking orange-
handled pot marked "Decaf." I hope the small amount of caffeine in the decaf keeps you pacing late at night like Michael Flatley, you patronizing goat.
- Rude retail workers. It's not my fault you landed a job at the Disney Store and aren't happy with it. I don't give a shit if you couldn't get off to watch Elimidate. When I pre-order The Lion King DVD, I want you to give me my free lithographs with a smile.
- Katherine Hepburn. It's Katharine Hepburn, Einstein.
- "Alright." Doesn't exist. Sorry you have to take the extra nano-second to differentiate "all" and "right."
- The bitter minority. I had nothing to do with the treatment of your ancestors hundreds of years ago or the take over of your native land. I owe you nothing. Move on.
- Ashton Kutcher, Tara Reid, Seann William Scott, Shannon Elizabeth, Jason Biggs, Paul Walker. Drool over yourself on the cover of Teen People all you want, but you have the acting abilities of a drug-addled monkey. What a coincidence.
- Julia DeMato, Kimberly Caldwell. They voted for your fake boobs, not your voices. Stop smoking, stupid bitches.
- Vegetarians. I don't care what you eat, so shut the fuck up and let me cut into my steak to make sure it's medium rare.
- Bloggers. Pretentious bastards. No one cares about your life. You're not that interesting. Hang it up.