Fire, brimstone, and American Idol

Last season I watched American Idol because I rooted for most of the contestants in the top 12. Each week I was a little remiss to see the booted performer leave (except for Carmen and Josh). This season, however, I tune in to see which of my least favorite performers is mercifully relieved of karaoke duty. And while I root for Diana, George, Jasmine, Jennifer and LaToya, none of them is skilled enough to make me forget about the horror of the remaining seven. In fact, I'm so unimpressed with the others that I can't decide which one I want to leave the most. Let's see.

First, there's Amy Adams, with her Oh-look-at-me-I'm-Vanessa-Olivarez-and-I'm-also-cute-and-quirky-and-individual shit. Stuff it, Amy. Your singing is reminiscent of Patti LuPone singing Bette Midler. But you weren't the worst last night. Oh no. Neither was....

...poor Camile Velasco. She's mildly cute, and a good voice is almost decipherable in her Christina Crawford meets Kids Incorporated performance. I like her, but she doesn't have what it takes to win. However, I can stand her far more than I can tolerate...

...Fantasia Barrino. Shut the hell up, sister. We get it. You're really, really impressed with yourself. And while the deaf and dumb judges might have enjoyed your onstage exorcism last night, I'll watch Jem if I want to see crap like that. Still, not as painful as...

...Jon Peter Lewis. And while I like him as a person, I'm left wondering how DC Talk's dance moves can be ripped off in the year 2004. Oh, and the singing...sweet Lord of Jerusalem, the singing is horrible. Quit singing out of your nose, buddy. However, you appear to have a modicum of humility. Try sharing some of that with...

...Matthew Rogers. Now that Matthew Metzger is out of the competition, I have a new Matthew to torture me. And Mr. Rogers is far worse. Looking like an extra from Take This Job and Shove It, old Matt couldn't help but play with small kids in his intro video. Awwww. Do you eat them when you're done squeezing their cheeks? Learn to sing, and quit smiling, because you'll be back to hometown football in a matter of days. However, no real night of AI's worst would be complete without...

...John Stevens. The name is generic. The appearance is generic. The facial expressions are non-existent. And the singing....I'm almost out of phrases to describe bad singing, but I'll try. Listening to John Stevens is like listening to Kermit the Frog croon the hits of David Hasselhoff while passing a kidney stone in the same concentration camp talent show where Jon Peter Lewis sings Elvis Presley. I've heard better singing on Degrassi Jr. High.

That said, I can't wait to see what bizarre outfit Paula Abdul wears tonight. Her hair last night was just startling. Every time the camera flashed to her, I peed. And everyone alludes to Randy losing weight. Where, in his knees? The Dawg still looks to me like he needs a low-fat bone. But thankfully, there is Simon. And while I find him a bit melodramatic, his opinions are usually right on, and he doesn't sing.

So until America is next subjected to singers so bad they make Charles Manson weep for Jesus, that's a wrap.