The dumbest Simpson

I've previously mentioned my disdain for a certain pop starlet. It's not that I don't find her attractive (in an obvious, Texas sort of way, even though she wears enough make-up to run a clown school); I've just seen her as an oblivious, condescending, whiny bitch. So my dream last night was in turns both amusing and revelatory.

In my dream, I was in line at an ice cream parlor (located on my high school campus, but that is neither here nor there). As I got to the cash register to pay, the employee said, "Oh wow, you've met J*ssica S*mpson!" To which I replied, "Yes, and J*ssica S*mpson is the embodiment of all that is wrong with America."

I woke up this morning knowing that my dream self is quite perceptive. Mrs. Simpson-Lachey is in fact the embodiment of all that is wrong with America. Need a laundry list of reasons why? Look no further.

1) She is not only not talented, but her music approaches a camp level of awfulness that is comparable to Pia Zadora or The Chippettes (at their worst, I might add).

2) She is a Bush supporter. Apparently she was too busy teaching her monkey husband how to count bananas and rid his armpits of flies to grasp the state of the union.

3) She's overpaid to endorse products. Candy scents? Tuna? Breath mints? Coke? What's next, celebrity spokeswoman for the Holocaust Museum? ("Hi, I'm J*ssica S*mpson, and I think concentration camps will help kids focus on their homework.")

4) Her influence has spawned another weapon of mass destruction from Texas...her younger sister.

5) She's under the impression that all of America loves her. No, bitch, only the red states (and, in a temporary lapse of judgment, Gwyneth Paltrow).

You might be tempted to come to her defense. But trust me...having encountered her in person, I can safely call her a chink in the armor of ignorance that keeps our country firmly planted in bubblegum complacency. She's endearing if by endearing you mean off-key, moronic, self-centered and whiny.