Oh Michelle, you silly cunt

Tonight at work, I waited on the biggest bitch I've ever met in my entire life.

And I fought fire with fire.

I've had too much to drink to rehash the story without using obscenities. It's quite boring and drawn out, but basically this girl named Michelle B. came in to eat. Before her fat ass had even met the chair, she was already giving me that "I'm a soulless bitch" look. Not even going down on her boreal vagina in the middle of the restaurant would have aroused so much as a smile from the nappy-haired ho.

The evening consisted of nothing more than mutual glares. No confrontation happened during the course of her meal. She and her helpless friend received their entrees in due time. And each time I approached the table, Michelle looked at me as though I had just wiped my ass with her unwashed hair. I felt really good about myself.

At the end of the evening, I dropped off the check. That's when Michelle switched to #14 in her repertoire of Sybil's personalities. "UHH...Excuse me?!" she bellowed.

Raising one eyebrow and summoning Alfred, Batman's condescending butler, I uttered an unphased, "Yes?"

"So are you going to box up our food so we can take it home?"

"I'm sorry, I don't recall you asking for to-go boxes."

"No shit, we didn't."

So I gave her that "and you don't realize you're incompetent because...?" look and said, "Generally the trick is to ask for a to-go box if you want a to-go box. Do you want a to-go box?"

"No, now I want to talk to a manager. This is ridiculous"

"Oh, ok. But I don't think we're hiring."

Her friend laughed. She, expectedly, did not. So I kind of stalled then went in pursuit of my manager. I presented the story to him fact-for-fact. My manager, Paul, is two things. First, he is a militant German. Second, he is unphased by superfluous complaints such as, "Our server doesn't have ESP and didn't foresee my need for a to-go box."

So when Paul approached the table, he took the bull by the horns. So to speak. Michelle knew Paul would be just as surly as I was when he approached her with a to-go box...and an application.

Michelle left with her tail between her legs, perplexed at the thought of not scoring some free spinach artichoke dip. Fervently I prayed that her fat ass would meet the front end of something mass transit as she crossed the street to Krispy Kreme, Baskin Robbins and/or Cold Stone Creamery.

I felt vindicated, though I still had this entire revenge fantasy afterwards at the bar. In this fantasy, I dress like a scary clown, kidnap Michelle and make her sniff her way out of a maze. Then I give her an ultimatum. I let her out of the maze only if she...

...

...WAITS TABLES FOR ONE NIGHT AND SEES WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DEAL WITH A NASTY CUM SPONGUE LIKE HERSELF.