As deep as a shitter

Joe Simpson, Baptist father of my favorites Ashlee and Jessica, has demanded that producers change Ashlee's upcoming theatrical debut. The original script of Wannabe featured a lesbian character (to have been portrayed with careful nuance by Ashlee). However, Pa Simpson thinks seeing his coke-head daughter bang donuts will squander her chance to take Hollywood by storm. The proud papa said,

"I changed it. It doesn't work for her to be gay the first thing out. She said, 'But it's cool, it's edgy, it's different,' and of course the filmmakers were like, 'It's cool for a woman to be a lesbian.' She's going to be a huge movie star. She's like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we're done, she'll play it all."

Prepare yourselves, ladies and gents, for the emotional marvel that is Ashlee Simpson. If you thought her convincing performance of a talentless, trollish, lip-synching daddy's girl was impressive, wait until you see her attempt to portray a person with actual depth and a remedial amount of common sense and intelligence. You won't recognize her.