A picture paints a thousand words, part three

Once again, I will bedazzle you with my take on some seriously awful headshots I've seen recently. Look into the eyes of the subject. What does this picture really tell you about the actor?

SHOT 1: Smiling pretty for the picture is Amber, a Jewish princess with hair that seems to be making a buffet out of her acne-stricken face. Amber is a classically trained thespian whose biggest fan is a father who's a little too supportive. Wearing a tight tight tight tight black top that, size-wise, is more Calista Flockhart than Mama Cass, Amber is proud of the boobies that daddy bought her for Yom Kippur. Amber's smile, while not the least bit genuine, is notable for the poor retouching job that reveals layers of post-Hannakuh candy plaque. You might also notice that Amber is trying valiantly to look seductive for the camera. Unfortunately, the afterthought is "What would it look like if you walked in on Kathy Najimy going to the bathroom?
WHAT THIS PIC SAYS: "I'm Amber! I heard that the Jews run Hollywood. My mammoth breasts and I are ready for the casting couch! Daddy taught me well."

SHOT 2: Poor David. Someone forgot to tell him to smile. I'm sure the desired result was brooding, but what we have here is spacy, not Spacey. David has also made the unwise choice of a Color Me Badd sweater vest to accentuate the lack of tone David perceives as muscle. Not one to sit around the studio with a boring backdrop, David and his blind photographer have taken to the streets. It is here that David rigidly poses next to a stoplight near a busy intersection in the valley. Bravo, David. We all know that brooding L.A. muscle men congregate at the intersection of Lankershim Blvd and Shitty Headshot Street.
WHAT THIS PIC SAYS: "Yeah, I've got a cigarette. I smoke all the time. Yeah, that's my bike. Sure, I ride it all the time. Yeah, I'm straight. I'm totally into chicks, man. Now leave me be and let me brood."

SHOT 3: What the fuck is wrong with Ginny? Though she's the mother of at least four, Hollywood has apparently called her. The most upsetting thing about this is that Ginny wants the part of a sexpot. Learning nothing from Nicollete Sheridan, Ginny has spent zero dollars on acting classes and thousands on plastic surgery. The result, thanks to a photographer who probably wasn't paid in cash, is that Ginny looks like a giant monkey with inflatable melon breasts. At least Ginny has a bright smile going for her. And thanks to Botox, not even the thought of having sex with her 96-year-old husband could wipe the grin off her face.
WHAT THIS PIC SAYS: "Mmmm, yeah, right there. Oh yeah! Oh