See, Rachel, she's NOT dead

My boycott of reality television went to the wayside as soon as I saw the previews for the WB's Starlet. Faye Dunaway, in all of her schizophrenic glory, is back in the homes of America where she should be refused after Mommie Dearest. Not since Kimberly Shaw blew up Melrose Place has television been so sinfully enjoyable.

Why should you be watching? Let me list the reasons.

1) Campy quality. It's like Showgirls meets Valley of the Dolls meets American Idol. Watch the girls mock sincerity when the first two are eliminated. Listen as each of the 10 delusionally informs you that she was destined to be famous (not destined to be a good actress...not destined to make a living as an actress...destined to be famous...ambitions only Jem and her Holograms could have installed).

2) Reprehensible acting. Cringe as Andie stinks up her Smallville scene. Laugh as Andria ad libs during her Bodyguard recital. Take shots of tequila when Faye Dunaway admonishes her advice.

3) The panel. Faye Dunaway channels Norma Desmond as she announces, "Now THAT'S acting...THAT'S acting!" Vivica A. Fox's stern defense of Dunaway is also worth a few chuckles. "She's a legend," Fox sternly informs Courtney (I guess Vivica's never seen Dunston Checks In or Supergirl).

4) The acting classes. In a desperate attempt to conjure emotion, the girls engage in an animal dance, followed by tearful recollections of bad break ups and tough times in Hollywood hostels. The most priceless line of the entire night went to Andria. "What are you feeling?" asks the acting teacher. "Definitely emotion" Andria informs her.

5) Katie Wagner, the host. Someone inform the wax museum that one of the statues has come to life with really horrible highlights.

6) The girls are really, really hot. Except for Andie and Courtney, who are really, really ugly.

7) Neva's take-no-prisoners attitude toward her competition is bound to create some memorable catfights.

8) One of the girls, at some point, is bound to talk back to Ms. Dunaway and inform her that her qualifications as a judge of talent are questionable at best. This will no doubt result in the same fury that caused Dunaway to pour her own urine on Roman Polanski on the Chinatown set back in 1974. Hopefully the backtalking girl will incur the same fate.

9) No matter how slow some weeks might be for me as an actor, I can take comfort in the fact that my craft is considerably more practiced than the contestants (and judges, for that matter).

10) "Don't call us, we'll call you" is as succinct a parting phrase as "You're fired" and "You are the weakest link." Dunaway and Fox no doubt have countless experience being on the receiving end of the phrase.