The money shot

Agents are fun. When they're not too busy giving good auditions to unsuitable actors or getting head from Adam Brody, they think of ways for you, the broke actor, to spend money. And today I heard a whopper of a reason.

Despite the literal thousands I've invested in headshots since moving here, I was told today that I need a very particular type of headshot. One that would separate me from other actors. One in which I'm photographed completely naked on either a diving board or in a shower.

I laughed and immediately asked what worthwhile role could I possibly get from a nude picture.

"Well," she said, "Cinemax is casting a new late night love-making series, and they need a young man in his 20s" This series, which is not even union, would give hundreds of thousands of gay men and unattractive women the opportunity to rewind my ass any old time.

My favorite part is that the series is a reality tv show. Meaning I would literally be filmed having sexual intercourse with a complete stranger. I'd be given $200, a free lunch, and my own copy. Right. Because the image of me nailing some random bitch while Phil Collins plays in the background is the perfect stocking stuffer for my parents.

So not only am I not going to have nude headshots, you won't be seeing my ass on Cinemax. And I'm pretty sure I need a new agent.