Starting shit

I am an instigator.

After work on Friday night, I reluctantly agreed to check out the scene at Universal City Walk, which boasts more white trash than any trailer park in smalltown Oklahoma (Sorry, L.A. snobs, but you can never, ever judge the midwest again). I went with my friends from the-restaurant-that-shall-not-be-named. Martha, the spicy Latina with an awesomely wicked sense of humor, begged Audrey (bitter, sarcastic, alcoholic...I love her so) and me to journey to City Walk. This made me the first male visitor with A) all of my teeth, sans gold and B) no children from previous one-night stands.

Audrey and I decided immediately that this wasn't our scene, though Martha was asking for phone numbers left and right. I was so ready to leave until, in the middle of the Saddle Ranch on a Friday night, Martha lit up a bowl and started smoking it inside the bar. I haven't laughed that hard since l saw a fat man trip in a movie theater. Audrey advised Martha against such a blatantly illegal act. I, on the other hand, encouraged the poor drunk stoner.

Things only got worse when we left City Walk for Bob's Big Boy in Burbank. By this point, Martha was drunk and high, and I had just reaped the rewards of two overlooked pain pills. I was laughing at the traffic lights changing.

Once nestled comfortably in our booth at Bob's, we noticed a party of 15 Hispanic teenagers across the aisle from us. Because of their loud volume, obnoxious outbursts and immaturity (all of which prevented the three of us from our Bible study), Martha was shooting daggers with her looks. Audrey tried to discourage Martha from talking shit (which I desperately wanted her to do). Once I convinced Martha that the girls were looking at her (which they weren't), Martha spoke up.

"All y'all bitches need to keep your eyes on your men, not my ta-ta's, or we're gonna go outside, k?"

That was certainly enough to silence the girls, 10 years Martha's junior. We ate the rest of our meal in an awkward, uncomfortable silence, which would have been more silent had I not continued to laugh uncontrollably for a half hour.

Though my entertainment came at a cost (I had to go to City Walk!), I think we all agreed that it was worth it. All of us except for Audrey and Martha.