Worse than when Mommy and Daddy did it

Last night was a banner night at work, as Satan's minions were busy doing his bidding and making my life a living Hell.

- First, there was the 50-something couple who decided to have sex in the men's restroom. I had the pleasure of walking in on them (they didn't even bother to lock the door). As her gray-tinged hair was flying around her face in a geriatric expression of ecstasy, the female sounded more like she was mourning the death of a cat than enjoying some penial pleasure. "Ohhhhh God, OHHHHHHHHH, UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH." And then they saw me. And they started laughing. To expressly indicate my feelings on what I'd seen, I mocked regurgitating my food and ran out the door. I found out within minutes that the couple had been waiting for a table. Guess whose section they were sat in.

- Second, there were the two ghetto gentlemen, both big enough to amass the weight of an elephant, who inquired as to what the low carb options were. At our typical, bar-style Mexican restaurant. As they were stuffing their faces with chips and salsa. The conversation went something like this: "We have a few salads that..." "Fuck, nigga, I ain't eatin no salad." "Ok, water." The health-conscious men watched their physiques start to resemble the fattening chicken nachos and shrimp quesadillas they ordered. When the meal was finished, I was left with what I expected when I saw them enter the restaurant: a 10 percent tip. Perhaps people who complain about stereotypes should do what they can to reverse these allegedly misguided opinions. There's a reason why servers have their well-founded prejudices.

- Third and finally, there was the chain-smoking drunken mammoth of a woman on the patio who decided to show her affection for me bringing her an ashtray by whiping my face with her tongue. I didn't need to fake regurgitation at that point. I gagged, excused myself and ran inside to cry and burn off my face.

I know this blog wouldn't be half as interesting if I weren't in the food service business, so it is in the interest of the readers that I persevere.