Celebrity Run-In, vol. 1

During the course of my time in Los Angeles, I've encountered several celebrities of all screen sizes, attitudes, and levels of talent. I didn't elect to write about each and every one of them because I didn't want my blog to be overrun with star recaps. So today I bring you the complete, official list of all my who's-who run-ins and what these celebs were really like.

I'm not holding back in the cases of those who were less than friendly, and I'll be singing the praises of those who exceeded my expectations. Because of the number of celebrities, most recaps will be brief, and I'm only listing those with whom I had direct contact.

So throw away your US Weekly and turn off E! News, because I've got the real dish.

Paula Abdul - loopier in person than on TV; started crying when she thought she'd lost her cell phone; spilled the entire contents of her purse on sports club desk in an effort to find cell phone and then did not offer to help put said contents back in purse; on separate occasion, threw a fit when not allowed to bring her dog into club.

Jessica Alba - unbelievably hot in person; unfortunately a massive bitch, as well; cold, even mean-spirited; doesn't talk to the "help"

Christina Applegate - extremely gracious and down-to-earth; made no fuss when restaurant hostess accidentally gave away her table and she had to wait an additional 45 minutes

Adam Brody - criminally unjustified ego; self-centered; convinced everyone around him is talking about/looking at him

James Caan - obnoxious drunk, bumped into several servers with drink trays without apologizing; loud and crass

Mindy Cohn - one of the most entertaining celebs I've met; hilarious, polite, gracious; down-to-earth; however, doesn't jump at the chance to discuss Facts of Life

Marcia Cross - aloof, but warm; generous tipper; amusingly dark sense of humor

Zooey Deschanel - friendly, chatty, warm; consistently remembers people's names; accepts compliments graciously

Cameron Diaz - tempermental bitch with horrible acne; couldn't act her way out of a paper bag; easily annoyed; unjustifiably rich

Vin Diesel - threw a hissy fit when not allowed into a PRIVATE club for free; actually used the old "don't you know who I am" line

Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson - flirtatious, hot, friendly; even more beautiful in person

Calista Flockhart - very kind, warm, not at all like what you read about her; son is well-behaved; excellent tipper

Scott Foley - engaging, polite, patient (the hostess yet again screwed up a reservation)

Harrison Ford - distant, somewhat grumpy, but not unpleasant

James Franco - an odd duck; not all there; doing 50 other things during a conversation, all of which are more important than you

Cuba Gooding, Jr. - as goofy and friendly as you'd expect

Heather Graham - warm, bubbly, beautiful

Susanna Hoffs - hot rocker mom; flirtatious, has well-behaved children; smiles a lot

Katie Holmes (pre-Tom) - on two separate occasions at two different places, tried her best to seem friendly and warm; not a bitch, but definitely not genuine; at the time, a bit too pre-occupied with Chris Klein's every move; chastised him for leaving "too good" of a tip

Kathy Hilton (mother of Paris) - extremely friendly to me at two different POEs, but I also witnessed her being a massive bitch to co-workers

Holly Hunter - insane, should be institutionalized; not afraid to get out of her car in the middle of traffic and berate people; p.s. Holly, have your plastic surgery reevaluated, it wouldn't even take a hot summer day to expose the real you

Chris Klein - not the brightest bulb in the batch, but definitely one of the friendliest; generous tipper; engaging, listens to you while you talk

Chris Knight - very nice guy, no pretense, not afraid to meet Brady Bunch dorks and talk about Marcia

Lorenzo Lamas - a true badass, very un-LA, good sense of humor

Matt LeBlanc - the least talented of the Friends cast and the biggest asshole; grumpy; dines alone, shitty tipper; convinced that everyone around him admires him; on-set he's completely unprofessional and not at all prepared

Tina Louise - takes a while to warm up, but can be very polite; not sweet by any means, but not at all the raving bitch she's rumored to be

Tobey Maguire - goes unnoticed in the crowd and prefers it that way; friendly; down-to-earth

Matthew Perry - aloof, but not unkind; mood-wise, very inconsistent

Jason Schwartzmann - one of the coolest people ever; conversations have substance; treats everyone like a friend

Ashlee Simpson - despite her lack of talent, very friendly and polite; unlike...

Jessica Simpson - wears too much make-up; is really that stupid; huge bitch; walks around with her head in the clouds expecting everyone to kiss her ass; no "please" or "thank you"; massive sense of entitlement; talks about how great her own music is when she hears it playing; has absolutely nothing resembling a sense of humor; wears sunglasses inside during workout; fucks anyone with any level of street cred and doesn't mind talking about it; drunken slut

Scott Speedman - doesn't act like an actor; drives an old Honda Civic; friendly, no attitude

Jennifer Tilly - is the sum total of everything you see on screen; surprisingly thin despite huge boobs; is the life of the party; fun fun fun

Justin Timberlake - shy, polite, lots of "please" and "thank you"; embarrassed when his acne-stricken bitch of a girlfriend acts up

Reese Witherspoon - gorgeous; adorable children, polite, excellent tipper, no pretense

Daphne Zuniga - slightly distant but warm; in her own world