Dude, where's your girlfriend?

Ever since middle school (aka "junior high") I've had many close female friends. Many of them have had boyfriends. And many of them have had jealous boyfriends.

Once the requisite jealous boyfriend gets over the fact that I'm not gay, not putting the moves on his woman, and not trying to break them up, he's still usually left with residual insecurities over my friendship with his arm candy.

I love how some guys (read: cavemen) are so firmly structured in their 1950s mentality that they can't fathom how a guy could just be friends with a beautiful girl and not try to sleep with her. Perhaps this notion is elusive to these guys because...they have no personality? No confidence? No sense of humor? Absolutely nothing going for them?

Maybe the only type of friend they attract is the token buddy next door whose biggest display of depth is his ability to simultaneously fart and burp.

It's too bad I'm more fun than you, big guy. Now spit out your dip and get over it.

Because the fact is, if I wanted to sleep with your girlfriend, I would have by now. And, believe me, she really would have enjoyed it. She'd be too busy moaning my name in ecstasy to even wonder why she's with such a loser. I'd be exploring regions of her body that you're too stupid to pronounce, let alone find. In the time it takes you to kiss, consummate, and cuddle, I'd still be working her ears and neck, making her beg for me.

So next time you decide to get creative with your cell phone, just know that I'm a better man than you. And your girlfriend knows it. And if she were really so in love with you, she'd have no problem respecting your boarish requests for her to stop hanging out with me.

But for some reason, she just keeps coming back.