Bad to the bone, part 1

In a week-long celebration of all that is wrong with pop culture, I present to you my five favorites in the following categories: Worst Song, Worst TV Show and Worst Movie.

Now when I say "Worst...," I'm not talking about something that I personally view as awful. On the contrary, these pop culture nuggets that critics and society in general have written off have found a home on my iPod or DVD shelf. Let the fun begin with the magic of song.

THE FIVE WORST SONGS THAT I LOVE

1. Muskrat Love, America
What the Hell are they talking about? Nibblin' on bacon and chewin' on cheese? They whirl and twirl and tango?? Nevertheless, I don't enjoy this song for its lyrics. The melodic strains and harmonies have placed it on my "bed" playlist on my iPod. It's a soothing if-unintentional lullabye. And though I couldn't tell you what it's about, it calms me.

2. Can't Stop, After 7
The height of bad early 90's pop came to its peak with this song. Pulled straight from a young 90210 episode (a show that will never make any list of mine except for a list of shows that I hate), the song suggests that two will-be lovers are diggin' on each other. Smooth, superfluous yet catchy. And to the credit of its 0-hit wonder singers, these gentlemen can carry a tune.

3. Don't Wanna Fall In Love, Jane Child
Though the song remained at the Billboard #1 spot for three weeks in 1990, it is now regarded as a pop culture mistake along with its still-trying singer/writer Jane Child. Child, whose look included hair down to her ankles and a nose ring that extended to her ear, doesn't so much sing the song as she does emote. And like the lyric about making "the knife feel good," this bad song is most effective in its angst. Scorned lovers across the world who weren't quite angry enough for Alanis deferred to Jane for some kitschy aftermath-of-love comfort.

4. Don't Let Him Steal Your Heart Away, Phil Collins
Truly one of my favorite songs of all-time (mostly because the simple lyrics were quite applicable at one point in my life), I confess that many songs from Phil Collins/Genesis could have appeared on this list. That Phil is a punchline for my generation is a shame. The effortless command of Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now), the redemptive force of Take Me Home, the lingering loveliness of One More Night, the bittersweet end of Do You Remember....if this is bad music, then color me tacky.

5. That Thing You Do, The Wonders
I'm sorry, I can't help myself. It's just like a song from the 60s, get it? Even though it was released in the late 90s for a Tom Hanks movie? See? Any song, even a song as awful as this, can't be all bad if after 11 years you still put it on playlists and conceal your excitement when you hear it at work.