Bad to the bone, part 3

I might not know music and my appreciation of television is limited, but I know movies. I've loved and hated movies, been haunted and inspired by movies. I've walked out of movies, and I've seen movies twice in a row. I moved to this city to realize a dream that was born on the silver screen.

That said, I can appreciate a good-bad movie. I can even see where the good intention went wrong and still appreciate the movie for its less than stellar laurels. So, as hard as it was to narrow down, here's a list of some of my unlikely favorites.

THE FIVE WORST MOVIES THAT I LOVE

1. Boom!, 1968
Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were at their campy worst in this inexplicable adaptation of two different Tennesse Williams stories. Taylor is Sissy Goforth, a drunken recluse atop an Italian villa, which is run by midgets and cross-dressing old men. She spouts nuggets like "Shit on your mother" at her inept servants. Burton is the money-grubbing poet who's come to swindle. Mostly, he "hoos" like an owl and quotes poetry. Legend has it that Taylor was drunk during most of the filming, resulting in her taking off headsets mid-scene and throwing props off cliffs -- all of which is caught on film in the final version. Drink up, and enjoy.

2. Cool As Ice, 1991
Vanilla Ice is the quintessential badass. He raps, he kicks ass and he always gets the girl. In this completely off-target, modernized rap remake of Rebel Without a Cause, Ice does his best James Dean, and it couldn't be worse. "Drop the zero and get with the hero," he says after a poorly staged fight scene. Beating only 90210 for its awful use of every bad early 90s technique (music, hair, clothing, everything), the movie lives on only through the advent of VHS. What a shame, because a DVD complete with Vanilla Ice commentary would be dope.

3. Mommie Dearest, 1981
It's not fair that Mommie Dearest is dismissed as a mere gay icon. We straight men have plenty to enjoy, mostly Faye Dunaway at her all-time craziest (and, well, hottest). Basically you've got three different actresses acting in about 15 different movies edited together with not a stitch of sense or coherence. While Dunaway is compelling if not epileptic, the two actresses who portray her daughter rarely emerge from their comas to hint at humanity (save the disturbing scene where Christina scrubs the floor after the legendary wire hanger incident). The makeup is straight out of high school, the dialogue almost offensively absurd and the continuity is nonexistent. It stands the test of time not because it's grown better with age, but because people will always love bad movies.

4. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964
The premise is as absurd as it sounds. Santa Claus, kidnapped by earth-invading martians and their leader, Voldar, summons unseen strength to save the day. Papa Claus is portrayed as a supreme idiot by some guy in a red suit, and the martians aren't nearly as scary as they are campy. If you love to laugh at bad movies, this is the crown jewel of bad cinema. As Voldar moans to his followers, "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit!"

5. Showgirls, 1995
Elizabeth Berkeley should win a Purple Heart for agreeing to star in this condemned project. Hopefully by now she has fired her agent, manager, publicist and parents for letting her. If nothing else, she has secured a spot in the annals of horrible Hollywood for what is arguably the most unintentionally hilarious movie ever. That she is an unlikely choice to play a stripper is beside the point. I mean, who in this movie is well cast? Certainly not Kyle Machlachlan. Perhaps that's what makes it so enjoyable. That, and the howling dialogue. Sample line: "It must be weird, not having anybody come on you."